The Recovering Rager's Creed

By Newton Hightower, LMSW-ACP, LMFT, LPC, CCDS

A rager, or rageaholic, is a person who is addicted to the
expression of anger. While many people feel better when
they "let it all out" a rageaholic should totally and
completely abstain from expressing their anger.

If anger or rage is a problem for you or someone you love,
the following creed will help get things moving in a more
positive direction. Read this list each morning before
beginning your day:

1. I will practice self-restraint as a *top* priority
today.
(Notice that it does not say, "I will practice standing up
for what is right.")

2. I will act *the opposite* of how I feel, when angry.
(Notice that it does not say, "I will share how I really
feel.")

3. If I feel that my anger is about to erupt, I will
*quietly* leave the situation.
(Notice that it does not say, "I will stay around and
process my feeling.")

4. I will find truth in *all* criticisms directed toward
me today, especially from my partner.
(Notice that it does not say, "I will explain my point of
view.")

5. I will say, "You are right," in a sincere, meaningful
way, when I am criticized.
(Notice that it does not say, "I will say, 'You are right,
but...'")

6. I will give an example of how the person who criticized
me is *right*.
(Notice that it does not say, "I will point out an
exception to their observation.")

7. I will repeat the following sentence to myself
today: "I am better off being *wrong* because when I am
right, I am dangerous."
(Notice that it does not say, "I need to stand up for
myself when I am right." That is in the self-help
literature for depressed women. Rageful men are not
depressed women.)

8. I will avoid explaining myself in any way by saying, "I
have no idea why I did that...it doesn't make any sense to
me either."
(Notice that it does not say, "I will make sure she
understands *my* point of view." Life can go on without you
being understood.

9. I will listen sympathetically to my partner when she
tells me about her day.
(That means maintaining eye contact and turning the
television off...not just on mute.)

10. I will not give unsolicited advice to my wife or
children.
(That also means not asking questions such as, "Do you know
what you should do?" or "Do you want to know why that
happened?")

11. I will avoid blaming family members for anything today,
especially if it was their fault.
(Instead, say things such as, "It's not your fault you ran
out of gas. That stupid gas gauge shows there is gas when
there isn't!")

12. I will avoid trying to make any family
member "understand" anything.
(You may find out that they don't want to understand what
you think is the moral or the "truth" of some situation.)

13. I will avoid trying to convince my child or spouse that
I am being fair.
(Enjoy the relief of *not* trying to convince your teenager
that you are being fair, and just sympathize with them for
having an unfair parent that wants to ruin their lives.)

14. I will look for an opportunity to sincerely praise
everyone I live with, especially the cat I don't like.
(Yes, every day! Pet the cat and say nice things to it. The
children and your wife will know that you have
changed...insist that you have come to have warm feelings
toward the cat.)

15. I will humbly commit myself to removing my angry
behaviors today, as my contribution toward a more peaceful
world.
(Realize that there is enough anger and grief in the world
without you adding to it.)

Put this list on the refrigerator and ask your wife and
children to remind you about it. When they do, calmly
say, "You are right. I am sorry. I was wrong."



About the Author:
Newton Hightower is the Director of The Center for Anger
Resolution, Inc. in Houston, Texas, and author of the new
book Anger Busting 101: New ABCs for Angry Men and the
Women Who Love Them. Visit Newton's website for more anger-
busting ideas and a free email newsletter filled with guest
articles and tips for husbands, wives, and therapists.
http://www.angerbusters.com